Today we’re getting all personal on the blog. For me this has been a post that I’ve thought about writing about for a long time but never had the strength to do so until now. I admire those bloggers who can share their deepest, most personal details so maybe I might inspire even one person to speak up.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with food. Up until the age of about three, all I ate were chips. Then after that, it became pizza and chips until I was about seven. Gradually, I began to try different things but it’s still little variety compared to everyone else. It got that bad when I was about ten that I went to see a dietitian. She was a typical doctor and told me to eat fruit and vegetables. In one hand, I blame my parents for not force-feeding me as a child. At the age of ten, she was basically calling me anorexic. I knew it wasn’t true but it didn’t stop people from calling me it. It was eating but because of my lack of diet and my regular, often grueling dance classes, I was alarmingly thin.

When I got to secondary school, it got worse. This is when my lack of eating turned into an eating disorder. I was going to dance four to five nights a week for several hours, playing netball twice a week and sometimes only eating at dinner because I was at school. Somehow I still managed to have loads of energy to do it all as well as keep my grades sky high.

When I turned 13, I decided to cut back with dance and by fourteen, I’d quit completely. Even then, my eating habits didn’t change. Up until I was 16, I was still managing to get through the day with one meal inside me.

It turned really bad when I started college. I only lasted three months at one college as I quit in December 2009. From then to when I started a new college the following September (2010), I ate all the time. For some strange reason, I wasn’t putting on any weight even though I wasn’t exercising but I still felt fat. This is also the time that I developed depression. I barely left the house apart from to go to work, I fell out with most of my friends and was so alone.

In September 2010, I started a brand new college where I knew very few people and knew I had to make an effort. I managed to eat three times a day by having breakfast at college before my classes started, having a regular lunch time and eating with my parents when I got in. I made new friends, I looked healthier, I’d finally got an interest in boys. I’d stopped dancing but started the gym with a new friend and we went at least three times a week, usually after or before college. However, I had a dark secret that most of them to this day still probably don’t know about. I was suffering with bulimia. I was eating a normal amount and working out regularly but during the night, I’d wake up and make myself throw up. It all spawned from me fancying a boy and him not fancying me back. It set off alarms in my head that the reason was because I wasn’t skinny enough. The rejection gave me zero self-confidence but I was able to mask it in public. By throwing up everything I ate, it gave me the control over myself. When it comes down to it, it was psychological more than anything else.

This disease was apparent in my life until I was in my second year of university. If you follow my blog, you’ll have read previously how much I don’t like the experience but my second year gave me clarity. I finally realised what I was doing to my body. After seeking help on online forums, I slowly began to recover. In order to make friends, I joined a society doing something I enjoy and started to make an effort. I was dealing with it in my own way.

As of now, I’ve realised that my health is more important than what I look like. I’ve tried to cut down on snacks and junk food, but I haven’t got rid of them completely. I’ve started drinking three litres of water a day to stay alert. I’m eating several small meals a day rather than two huge ones. I’m joining a new gym this week and will be starting society rehearsals next week too. I’ve also looked into joining a new dance school. I still have my bad days where I overeat or don’t eat at all. I still look in the mirror and don’t like what I see but I’m starting to see a woman who has overcome lots of obstacles.

I’m far from someone preaching about fitness and eating habits you must do but I think it’s about time that people see eating disorders as a major problem. If anyone out there is struggling, drop me an email (it’s on the sidebar at the top) or even if you just want to talk to someone. I know many bloggers have gone through a similar experience on this so just know, you’re not alone and you can get better.

Share this post?

The cookie settings on this website are set to "allow cookies" to give you the best browsing experience possible. If you continue to use this website without changing your cookie settings or you click "Accept" below then you are consenting to this. more information

The cookie settings on this website are set to "allow cookies" to give you the best browsing experience possible. If you continue to use this website without changing your cookie settings or you click "Accept" below then you are consenting to this.